abigail414's diaryland diary
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Mulch Thought
So, continuing with the breakup. As far as HB is concerned, he was mad and took his slippers home, but we are still in a relationship � just �mulching� (his word) everything that was said last weekend.
One of the key points was that he knew I wanted to hear that he loved me, felt pressured to say it, but couldn�t because of what that meant in terms of commitment. He�s still in emotional shock over the end of his 22 year marriage, and all that went with it. He doesn�t know what he will be doing or where he will be living once his current movie is done in June. At this point he wants an easy and caring relationship that includes sex.
I think that what he wants may apply to the bulk of the male population. Unfortunately, I think most women are more complicated. This makes me want to go back and read all those self-help books I gave away.
HB is a kind, sexy, intelligent man who makes me laugh. What we have is a long distance monogamous relationship, with genuine affection, consideration, play, and conversation. I would miss all this if we split up. What we don�t have is the possibility of a committed love relationship, someone to grow old with, to have in your corner, to see on a more regular basis. If we split up, I could look for all this. In truth, I think I'm looking for more connection, which is usually in the context of a long term relationship.
Is staying with HB �settling� - or is it a good situation considering the work I need to do on myself, and the quasi-temporary feeling I have for living in Palm Springs?
This whole thing about the girl wanting more and the guy backpedaling is so clich� I can hardly stand it. Ironically, while I rode around in a cart and watched him golf last weekend, I had an epiphany that HB is NOT Mr. Long Term � which was before our discussion on the same subject. With that in mind, why am I even having this conversation? Am I hoping that he will change? Uh oh.
I have a list of the pros and cons, but won�t bore you with the details. So far, I�m mulching in circles around an oak sapling. Any insights are appreciated.
6:53 p.m. - 2008-02-21
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