abigail414's diaryland diary
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Riding the Bull
Bullriding is a sport based on time and finesse. Testosterone-laden men ride even more testosterone-laden animals. They win if they can stay onboard for 90 seconds, and also have the most style and movements. If they pick too difficult of a bull they won�t make the time, and too easy of a bull they won't make the moves. The riders need to be fully adaptable to the moves of the bull, by holding on and being flexible at the same time. One false move and the rider is off, or injured.
The ride on HB, my Taurus Bull, may have ended today. The �may� is that the ending is as ambiguous as the rest of the relationship has been. It was also fairly sudden, initiated by my mostly unconscious sigh at 6 am this morning. He asked what that sigh meant and I said something that suggested I wanted 'more connection'. It was one of those �I wish I had taken my meds the night before and could take it back� kind of moments. I am especially honest and vulnerable in the morning, which can be loveable traits in the right hands, but problems if there are unresolved issues. In the end it brought out stuff that probably should have been talked about months ago, but I was too afraid it would split is up.
His immediate response was that he was flustered. He had brought two dozen roses as a belated Valentines gift to my work yesterday, en route to a golf game out here. He didn�t know what more he could do, why that �wasn�t enough�. This sounded terrifyingly like conversations I have had with other partners, and I couldn�t believe was having again one more time. So, I immediately suspected this was about me - which I owned, apologized for, and groveled over. However, the words were out and couldn�t be retracted. He knew I wanted something more, and the hard truth may be that sharing physical and emotional space with an emotionally guarded (his term) man every one or two weekends just isn�t enough. Long distance is hard, and not being emotionally connected makes it even harder. After a year of courtship, I think it is probably normal for a girl to yearn for more than what we had, and probably normal for a guy to cling onto status quo.
We now interrupt this conversation to do 18 holes and 4 pre-planned hours of riding around in a golf cart for an enjoyably beautiful sunny 78 degree day.
Any way I look at it, I sighed this morning because something seemed to be missing either in my head or the relationship. I�ve spent hours in therapy trying to delineate the two. HB and I have gone through two Valentines Days, and midway he intimated the possibility of the L word a few times. He was careful to never outright say �I love you�, but the mere mention made me so hungry I hung onto the shards, hoping he would feel that way. Later today, when he was being self-righteous about how honest he�s been with his intentions to be companionable friends who fuck, I pointed out some specific times that he has suggested something more. He was appalled and apologetic for having been at all misleading. He said he just wanted to be with something/someone easy, an oasis after the rigors of his work schedule and personal challenges, and that this was becoming too difficult.
I appreciated and heard the honesty in his comments. I knew that, even though I've tried really hard, that could not be me. Why would HB pick such a complicated woman and then want something easy is a conundrum. I have to remind myself that his life was much simpler when he met me (he didn't work or golf and he lived 20 minutes away), and now he can�t handle anything more complex than work and golf and we live 130 miles away. But I have also had this �complicated woman� conversation before with partners. Shit.
I�m not sure who chose the hard bull to ride, me or him. If we made it to 90 seconds, I suspect we didn�t do so with enough style to be a winner. Part of me is hoping we just hit a big twisting spinning buck in the relationship, or that we get a re-ride due to some technical difficulty � but sadly, his slippers are gone from my closet, and I suspect he is also gone from my life. More to follow. . .
10:34 p.m. - 2008-02-17
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