abigail414's diaryland diary
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Fear(less) Abandon
Last weekend I had an epiphany about my abject fear of abandonment. This fear can suck the life out of every minute I�m not at work or sleeping, and has no basis in current reality. It has mostly been about HB, about whether we're coming or going or inbetween etc etc.
On Friday night, we had an awkward phone conversation and I was in overwhelming anxiety until Sunday morning when I stood at my kitchen sink and gazed at the snowcapped mountains and blue sky. It struck me hard that my obsessive fear was stealing my life, served absolutely no useful purpose, and would in fact bring about the very thing that I feared. It was as if I saw it clearly for the first time, owned it, and felt like I could choose to stop it. Since that time, I have felt it winding down, and there has been much more peace inside my head.
It took internal crisis to send me there. A crisis that would not have happened if I had gotten the message HB left on my machine Saturday morning, apologizing for the 'squabble' we had the night before, and how badly he felt about it. At the same time, I also found a message he left last Thursday that would have eased the meltdown I had that day. It appears that a divine glitch in the phone message system is putting my feet to the fire to help me grow.
Now, to address my fear of incompetence at work, and fear of fiscal ruin. I hope it doesn't take a crisis to get me there. 'Sometimes people change because they see the light, but mostly they change because they feel the heat'.
10:42 p.m. - 2008-02-13
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