abigail414's diaryland diary
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life, or something like it
I feel scattered and uncentered not having made an entry here for awhile. The internet magically showed back up at my condo, and I should be looking for my lost keys and getting to bed for work in the am, but here I am instead.
Finally Getting the Groove
I�m being music-enlightened, thanks to my pre-loaded IPod from HB. (Over 1400 songs including the Killers, the Cure, the Ramons, the Shins, Rage Against the Machine, Coldplay, etc. and some people that are so obscure I can�t even remember their names). Plus, there is a Beatles re-mix that is stunning, and I finally figured out Bowie�s Space Oddity even though I listened to it for over 30 years (Ranger Tom snapped and drifted off into space on his own accord � for some reason I always thought his spaceship blew up).
Family Ties
On a recent visit, I saw a possible future with mom that I need to takes steps to avoid. I visited for 24 hours and that was all I could handle in the caregiving department. She needs to be moved to a facility that can provide a social outlet as well as assisted living if so required. Plus, she is the youngest of the four remaining sisters so they think she should help take care of them. She can�t really take care of herself (ie. falling drunk under her trash can and breaking her wrist) so needs to get out of there. She�s starting to agree and I�ll check some out once I�m settled in my own place.
I also saw my past and present with a group of relatives that night for dinner. I saw two more cousins I hadn't seen for 30 years, thanks to the possible impending death of my favorite 90 year old aunt. All of us cousins have a kind of tragedy that shows on our faces (so far, I'm the only one who has had it surgically corrected). Being half Swedish makes you inherently prone to a kind of soul sadness � look at Ingmar Bergman films.
Reinventing Me As Usual
I continue to progress in yoga and am getting fairly strong. I can do things that a year ago I didn�t dream of. I did, however, need to get an emergency massage after doing headstands. I�m not ready for that and hurt my neck and shoulder.
I joined a health club for $19 per month to use the elliptical trainer. I�ve lost 10 lbs since moving here, and toned up considerably, but am stuck and need to lose 10 more before I feel like �me�.
Having meds is wonderful, but having a talk therapist is making a world of difference. I am experienced at being hard on myself, especially the 11 year old who still thinks she killed her dog (FYI: DON�T see �The Year of the Dog�). My task is to figure out and buy into what is good about myself. (I�m taking suggestions to add to my list, btw - hint hint).
And, I took two tests on 'tickle.com' and found out I'm a Jack Russell Terrier at work and a Bernese Mountain Dog the other parts of my life. OK, how schizophrenic is that?
I Work for Animals (and Break from them Too)
I love my job, but also love it when I don�t work for three or more days in a row. I get sleep and laundry done, and perhaps a little recreation. This week I�m working 7 days in a row as a fluke - I came in 3 times on Sunday due to a cat in acute renal failure (he was young and healthy and got into a toxin, possibly antifreeze). O�Malley was such a sweet orange cat, but even with intensive care he headed downhill. I hadn't seen an acute case before, so learned a lot even if he didn't make it.
Heaven Can Wait (I think)
HB and I continue to progress into a more �real� relationship. He�s been on crutches for 10 weeks and is now plagued by a foot infection. If he was my patient, I�d be handling his case differently (and he does call me his �girlfriend the doctor�). I�m starting to trust him, which doesn�t come easy, and I am (as usual?) attracted to damaged, handsome, and interesting men. Key factor is that his damage is physically explainable, most likely short term, and the rest can only get better when he recovers.
Part of me wants to explore other guys to take the pressure off HB being a 'real' boyfriend, since he has periodic meltdowns about his foot and goes into that man-cave until he works it through. And, at times I wonder what I�m doing with a neatnick trendy LA Taurus when I�m a messy vaguely bohemian Aries. But I love the mischievous twinkle in his eyes, how his face lights up when he smiles, and that he is never grumpy towards me even in his current condition (big plus after my last ex). We also share that odd irreverence (some call it flakiness) unique to Los Angeles, CA natives (for his birthday we all - meaning he, his sister, and I - sang theme songs to the stupid local children�s shows we grew up with). Oh, yes, and his touch gives me goose bumps every time.
This (New to Me) Old House
I spent an entire Sunday supervising gardeners and preventing them from destroying my citrus trees in the backyard. I stopped over there before yoga and found that the team of �chollos� had not only whacked down my favorite sweet pea vine that covered some ugly wrought iron, but one of my huge grapefruit trees looked like it had a very bad haircut. I started crying and told the main gardener to stop because I just couldn�t bear it ('muy malo! muy malo!). I could now see the fence and the neighbors - privacy was one of the things I loved about the place. So, I missed yoga and sat there all day making sure the rest of the trees were more appropriately trimmed. To compensate, 12 ficus were brought in to make a hedge and hide the exposed wall, and in the long run, they add some depth to my � acre lot. Swimming naked is going to be a bit risqu� - I guess if they look over the fence it's their problem.
The now-exposed wrought iron has been replaced by my contractor with a sturdy 7 foot tall wooden fence. I must be having communication problems - I wanted privacy, not a fortress. It will be cut down shorter within the next 2 weeks. The painter comes in a week and do I have my colors picked? Nooo.
Opening Photo
What does that have to do with this entry? It came up on an image search on Google for 'scattered', which is how I feel, but not quite that bad. Life could be a lot worse - imagine living where a boneyard is not an uncommon occurrence. Puts things like my gardening challenges into perspective. Yes, we will all be ashes and carbon dust someday, but until then, life is good.
9:54 p.m. - 2007-05-07
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
other diaries: |
