abigail414's diaryland diary
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Yearning
In spite of myself, I�m enjoying HB immensely. He�s backing off his post-surgical painkillers, and the last time we were together his eyes dilated like a normal person and weren�t occasionally rolling into the back of his head. Yes, this is an odd courtship where that kind of thing goes on. But damn, I enjoy just hanging out with him � he�s long and lean and hairy and easy to be with. I�m trying to not run away � have done so twice and he�s caught me and insisted we talk and work it out and no he�s not leaving.
This has made me wonder why I'm so incredibly nervous in spite of my apparent good fortune of stumbling upon a handsome and intelligent man who adores me. I think it is partly because I don't adore myself as much, and perhaps he'll see the 'real' me. We know all about those self-esteem issues that years of therapy have yet to purge. But I also think it is because I yearn for him, and that scares me because it triggers a sense of addiction.
Yearning is defined as a strong emotion of longing or desire, especially with tenderness.
Addiction is defined as to give or devote oneself persistently or habitually.
They don't look that different do they?
To the Zen Buddhist, yearning is what separates us from the present, takes us into the future, and highlights what isn�t enough about the �now� - it is to be removed by meditating upon the emptiness. Kabalists embrace yearning as what draws us towards God, and without it we have stepped out of the light. On a practical level, yearning is what drove the Puritans to settle this country (huddled masses yearning to be free). It has fueled great art and music and theater. But, the down side � yearning can feel like emotions are taking on a life of their own and need to be slapped down into �reality� (for pain avoidance purposes).
As for addiction, certain substances/actions help blunt the ache of yearning. These are a temporary abatement, a finite solution, that can then becomes a problem of their own. The addictive substance travels on the same emotional-neuro pathways as yearning, and can help shut them down for a faux Zen-like peace. A cigarette sends a rush to my brain that �all is well'. Wine slows down the faculties so the synapses aren�t firing so frantically, chocolate offers a temporary satiation, and valium or vicodin says �it�s all good'. (And, even writing can be an addiction, distracting me from less pleasant tasks such as laundry and allowing me to analyze rather than experience yearning.) Problem is, all these 'tools' prevent me from being fully present and having things continue to go well with HB. Today I woke up hung over from 2 glasses of wine, with terrible breath from a cigarette, feeling fat from chocolate, and tonight I am supposed to have a romantic sleepover and spend time tomorrow with him? I'm exhausted and feel like a dump inside, which is not the kind of healthy, capable, sexy, attractive partner that I yearn to be for him.
Aggh. I am so tired of these old childhood messages and mechanisms. Do I need to repeat a mantra daily that I am a blessed child of god and the universe loves me? There is no �right way� or �wrong way� to go about this. For today, I feel like I'm blindly stumbling towards the light, being showered with blessings unbeknownst to me, and it's time to worry less and enjoy the ride a little more.
10:05 a.m. - 2007-03-07
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