abigail414's diaryland diary
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The Former Mrs. D's Do Palm Springs
I met my 1st ex-husband�s 2nd ex-wife Joanne this weekend. What a delightful person. We were similar in some ways - educated, white, protestant, career women, of similar height and build, who married a 2nd generation catholic Italian-american. But we are different in that she is more sensible than I, including having two children with him � which was the dealbreaker for me (it meant that I would have to have sex with him, would have children who looked like him, and would have to stay in contact with him for 18+ years). Yes, I was so emotionally shut down in the marriage that I didn�t realize how much I disliked him until I was confronted with the children decision. That has been my MO, shut down and stay there, or run at first sight.
It was fun to hang out with together, even if under �odd� circumstances. We had initially connected years ago when she called regarding the pending breakup of her marriage. Hint: my input didn�t help it stay together. She lives in Oregon where it has been raining for 3 months solid and she desperately needed some sun and impulsively booked a ticket here. During her visit, we had some good meals, drank, did yoga, and hung out. When she looked at some of my old photos she fell over laughing - she had worn an almost identical wedding dress and hat as I had, and many of the other photos were the same, with the exception that she was in her photos and I was in mine. A little like the Twilight Zone. Or, more likely, one relationship continuum for him, replacing me with a more appropriate model to create the nuclear family he wanted. Interestingly, we both left our marriages with him to have a relationship with a much older, sexier, and wealthier man. She happily married his, and I just lived with mine for 3 years. And, we both confessed that we may never have really loved him - he would only present the surface to us, and when you scratched it, his manipulative Sicilian mother and her control issues would show up.
Joanne, who I knew all of 24 hours, made three profound observations that are still rattling around in me. First, she (and her husband on occasion) read this journal and said I was a �brilliant writer�. Wow. That is what I want to be, but when I read my stuff I don�t see it yet. It brings me a lot of pleasure to write and sometimes (like today) I have a ton of things to do but find myself at the keyboard. It is something I hope to work into a career once I�ve paid my dues as a busy stressed-out veterinarian. Second, after meeting HB, she said it was obvious that he adores me. Even though he was all doped up and itchy and on crutches, he was attentive and adored me. He�s been trying to tell/show me that, but it took an almost stranger for me to see it. I have suspected for years that I�m missing adoration receptors. Third, was that I am too hard on myself, and it is nice to get reminded of that from an outside observer. Underneath it all, I need to learn self-acceptance, self-love, self-respect - because how I treat myself is how I expect others to treat me (and hence am surprised at HB's continued kindness). Good reminders that charity starts at home. (Thanks for the visit!)
8:47 a.m. - 2007-03-07
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