abigail414's diaryland diary
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Down Time
For awhile, I�ve yearned to spend the day in bed, and this might just be the day. I�m writing while in bed, feeling achy and nauseous. There is a bug going around that I may have. Or a reaction to the new meds I�m on. Or I�m just allowing myself to be as fully depressed as I feel. This place is so bright and sky blue every day that once you go outside you're transformed - almost like a jolt of speed. But today I feel like a vampire, wanting to stay in, be ill, and sad.
Since discovering that I may be bipolar, I�ve found myself doubting my perceptions and sanity. I know a �label� doesn�t change anything, doesn�t mean I�m any crazier than I�ve ever been, and in fact bipolar disorder is fairly common, especially among creative types and especially out here in So. Calif. � but it still feels different. I�ve heard plenty of stories of how someone was untreated bipolar and then got regulated on meds and looked back at how crazy they were. Will that be me? I�ll know in a few weeks, but for right now I�m just sad. Weepy in fact. The stress of work and having my house renovated (demolition started yesterday!) and doing it all alone is hard. I�ve been sleeping more to avoid the panicky feelings at night. If I�m in bed by 9, zonked out on Ambien, I won�t feel compelled to eat or drink or surf the net. And my hope is that I�ll eventually feel better if I consistently sleep more. I've been too tired for yoga or exercise, both of which would probably help.
My Rob Brezny horoscope says to reflect on and embrace the highs and lows this coming year. I�m living in a high/low kind of place - 10,000 foot mountain peaks, flat desert below, super rich and super poor people, extreme heat and cold pools. It is a bipolar paradise and part of me doesn't want to medicate myself into neutral. I like feeling �zesty�. And, in truth, have liked my manic episodes, they are the few times I feel happy and normal and in love with life. Yes I also feel fragile and irritable and unpredictable. So I�ll try to stay open and check out neutral and see if it is a nice change.
A big problem is how stressful my job is. Every half hour I am presented with a new problem, plus I need to follow up on the problems I tried to solve the day, week, or month before. And people call in with more problems while I'm working on these other problems. I�m trying to use both my educated and intuitive sides, to see if that helps me feel more competent (my intuition can be dead on). I also need to stop feeling so responsible for solving all these problems, and try to view myself more as part of helping the animal get better. That old doctor/god complex � as if I�m supposed to know everything and it is too much pressure.
I did have a cool doctor/god experience earlier this week. A dog I had diagnosed as pregnant via ultrasound a month ago came in for a C-section (she was a tiny 9 month old Chihuahua with six (!) puppies). After delivery, one of the puppies wouldn�t breathe, no matter what was medically done - her little heart was weakly beating. I started holding the puppy with Reiki hands, closed my eyes, and talked to her, telling her to breathe, then inhaling as if I was willing her to follow me. I found myself saying it was nice out here, to give it a chance, she�s made it this far, it will be fun. While I was praying and inhaling, damn if that puppy didn�t take a breath right along with me. Cool. Had a moment of mind meld. But, the poor mama, she was pretty dazed, her milk hadn�t dropped, and she wasn�t sure what those six wiggly things were. I had a momentary flash of what it must have been like for my mother, who had me by C-section and was out of it for 3 days. I hope the little mama comes around or those puppies (and owners) are going to have a tough time.
To reduce the stress in my life, I�ve discontinued my attempts at dating. I�ve decided that I need my infrastructure (house, mind, body, wardrobe) in better shape before adding another spinning plate to my balancing act. Besides, I actually had a e:mail argument with a guy on match.com (and who needs that?!). There are a couple guys �out there� who want to meet me, but I�ve postponed them for now. I need to work more hours to pay for both rent and a mortgage, so maybe by mid-February life will be more normal and I'll be living in my new place. In the interim, my pets are feeling my distress and are all wanting to sleep with me - so it is too crowded for another human anyway.
11:40 a.m. - 2007-01-04
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