abigail414's diaryland diary
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Certifiable
Thursday was my day off, which started by visiting a local psychiatrist�s office. It took a few months to see him, and he was very smart, insightful, and helpful. In spite of my best efforts with years of therapists, support groups, and various programs, I am still at times at times depressed, irritable, anti-social, and downright nuts. I don't sleep well without drugs, and most anti-depressants make it worse � I will stay awake all night on them. Turns out that my symptoms, family history, personality type, and reactions to medications all point to possible Type II Bipolar Disorder. Otherwise known as manic depression - not the kind that keeps you up for days in dramatic manic states, but definitely a mood disorder with highs and lows and suicidal thoughts and best treated by medication. Hmmn. First time any professional ever suggested that to me - but he seemed pretty smart so maybe I should consider it.
Perhaps this journal can be subtitled �A year in the life of an untreated manic depressive�. Who knows. We�ll see if the meds help quiet the intense racket in my head - it will take a few weeks to build up to a therapeutic dose. They are actually anti-convulsants, with the theory is that small seizures due to altered brain chemistry are responsible for the emotional imbalances. It has a genetic component, and can be triggered by stress - perhaps I've always had it, or it has been exacerbated by life changes the past few years.
Hopefully this doesn't mean the end to my writing. According to Wikipedia, �One of the most interesting and misunderstood aspects of bipolar disorder is its general increase in 'creative energy'. Bipolar disorder is found in disproportionate numbers in people with creative talent such as artists, musicians, authors, performers, poets, and scientists, and some credit the condition for their creativity. Many famous historical figures gifted with creative talents commonly are believed to have been affected by bipolar disorder, and were "diagnosed" after their deaths based on letters, correspondence, contemporaneous accounts, or other material. While the disorder often adds life and energy to creative works, the disorder's depression symptoms can soon push sufferers into a spin of anger and frustration. It is a cycle that many famous talents have had to live with their entire lives. It has been speculated that the mechanisms which cause the disorder may also spur creativity.�
The psychiatrist also verified that I have symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and recommended a few talk therapists. Coincidentally, that�s what I�m working on with the hypnotherapist (reportedly, my first 6 months in life were tough, as well as my past life). I listen to a feel-good tape from him every night, and today got one for the mornings.
After visiting both therapists, I met 'Mr. Polo' for tea and ponies (see �Piddling in Personals�). It took an hour for me to decide what to wear, and I settled on a cashmere sweater, diamond earrings, boots, and suede jacket. He was a nice guy, a little wiry and detached, but a gentleman with 9 horses and a BMW convertible. Our dogs got along, and we went out to his ranch south of La Quinta and enjoyed the beauty and horses, some of which were imported from Argentina (where all the best polo ponies are from). It was slightly higher elevation and had a little microclimate that made it 'fall' there, with leaves off the trees crunching on the ground and white fences and grass - with the exception of the palm trees it looked almost midwestern, and it was a 'cold' 60 degrees. No bells went off, and there was also no real personal connnection. If he asks, I may see him again just to ride a pony. But I think I'd rather say 'no thanks' because it is a LONG way away and I don't think it is worth the trip.
9:30 pm - 2006-12-28
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