abigail414's diaryland diary
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Dissonance
I was looking for an offline entry I did about odd life experiences. Have you ever scanned the title of your �word� documents? Makes for an interesting summary of the past year. �I know you think I�m a bitch�� �I hate my husband�, �rant�, �house sale summary�, �resignation� �acceptance�, �this man touched my parrot�, �fuck the south�, �hip dysplasia�, etc. No wonder I feel all unfocused and uncentered and disorganized and in need of medication or hormones or an ashram. Damn.
Last night I dreamt about my 1st ex-husband being courted by another woman. He shows up periodically in dreams, which is especially odd since I haven�t seen him in over 20 years. I used to regularly dream about a certain ex-boyfriend, mostly about trying to hide from him, but I seem to have moved far enough away that my psyche feels safe. And I would regularly dream of my 2nd ex-husband hosting a party at our house and not telling me (until I asked why all those people were there). Last night I also had my typical veterinary nightmare (like every night btw), only this time I knew I was dreaming and was happy it was just a difficult skin issue rather than some life or death scenario.
To my Michigan friends, it actually rained here this week, the third time in the almost 2 months I've been here. It was cloudy for two days, and weird thing is, I loved it. Hate to admit it, but I miss clouds a little. They�re one of the few things that are �familiar� to me here. Who would have thought there could be �too much� blue sky?
Today I got my first angry letter regarding the care of a pet. It wasn�t written to me, but I was involved and the pet died (and would have regardless). I felt bad at the time and feel even worse now. The odd part is, I usually write copious notes in records and this time was terse. Plus, my intuitive bells were ringing and I ignored them because I live in terror of making a mistake so they often ring in false alarm and I have to just get on with life or be paralyzed. Becoming a good veterinarian is a scary steep learning curve.
I�ve been wondering about the wisdom of this career move and whether I can keep doing private practice long term. Yes, I am a �natural� with animals, and with clients � but the hours, the amount of effort, the huge knowledge base required, the constant fear/stress/tension/anxiety, and yes, the mediocre pay really make me wonder sometimes. At this point, I don�t have a �life� outside of being a veterinarian � nor do I have the energy to build one or the time to commit to one. Being a veterinarian, tending my animals, laundry, self, and paying bills is my life. It isn't bad, but I realize that I have harbored the notion that if I found my �right livelihood� and �followed my bliss� and survived veterinary school - things would flow together more easily. It still feels like I'm swimming upstream in heavy boots. Big sigh. Yes, I�d like some cheese with that whine.
9:12 p.m. - 2006-03-01
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