abigail414's diaryland diary
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Uncomfortably Numb
The Cost of Sanity
I was looking at my drug prescriptions the other day � I take four of them, one an anti-seizure medication that slows the overactive neurons down and allows me to focus rather than be frustrated, an anti-psychotic medication that quiets down the chatter and stories in my head, an anti-anxiety medication to help with stress, and a sleep medication for insomnia. It costs about $1,300 per month to be medicated towards sanity (I only pay about $200) Plus, it takes about $500 per month in therapy to keep me steady (I pay about $200). So, we're talking about $1,800 a month to keep me on even keel.
The Downside of Sanity
I think the anti-psychotic anti-chatter medication is what is preventing me from writing. I started it when I was obsessing about HB and had lots of imaginary conversations in my head about him. I think maybe I�m over that, based on training and on the shift that has taken place in the relationship. I no longer feel the house is quietly expecting his call, and feel fairly secure that I will see him again in the future. And, rather than acting out or trying to break up with him when I�m upset, I can just tell him I�m upset but don�t want to talk until I�ve figured it out. He�s OK with that and later we can have a fairly sane and rewarding conversation. Is this the drug, or learned behavior? Can I stop and find out?
Because, the world feels flat and less interesting and I�m less interested in other people. I used to get more into client stories, but find myself putting up pretty clear boundaries as �Dr. Cutler� and taking a more no-nonsense approach. So, by the end of the day, I�ve forgotten most of them, except the medical part that needs follow-through. I think I�m a better doctor, easier to work with, but don�t feel quite like myself. This is a new, improved more grown up me, and I miss the childlike wonder of it all.
I can�t tilt perspectives around like I used to when I was an untreated borderline bipolar mess. It was a fun ride. There is a guy who drives around with his truck chock full of rags - he used to have a rattly old truck and just got a late model Ford F 150 that is now also full of rags. Is there a market for rags, or is he just a bag person with a really big shopping cart? Did he buy his new truck with his old rags? This kind of thing used to interest me a lot, and now I just note that he�s occasionally in my neighborhood when I walk Nelly at 6:30 am.
I�m also less tolerant. I saw my therapist this week and he had a book that assigned a playing card based on your birthdate and would then describe what that meant. The old me would have found this intriguing, but the new me was adamant that it was a bunch of hooey and wanted nothing to do with it. I was pissy the rest of the session and I even offered to pay him and leave (which in hindsight would have been nuts enough to reassure me that I�m still here). At the end of the session, I asked him to read my card and the resounding message was that I�m a highly spiritual being who, if in touch with my spiritual side, can manifest whatever reality and riches that I want. OK, that may be true, but in my present state I can barely pay my property taxes.
To me, the spiritual world is light years away, which, if I am this spiritual being, may explain why I need psychological treatment. In ancient cultures, the shamans were batshit crazy. For me, it has been almost impossible to keep a spiritual outlook in our culture and maybe that is the root of my problems. But I have tried so many religions and philosophies and read so many books - and feel like I�ve gotten nowhere besides older and a little wiser.
An Odd Side Effect of Sanity
I've developed a real interest in golf. Golf is something I used to think only an incredibly dull person would do. But, I'm looking forward to putting practice, and am shopping on ebay for used golf clubs. I�ve been going to driving ranges and having lessons for months, and did pretty well (for a beginner) at my first golf course outing last Sunday. I even watch it on TV. A year ago I couldn�t have imagined such a thing. Well, golf is the dominant culture here so perhaps it is a good sign that I�m trying to go with the flow. But for a former quasi-bohemian, environmentalist, skydiving witch - it is a bizarre turn of events.
I know there are greater problems in this world besides deciding to be or not to be crazy, but I totally understand why creative people go off their meds.
4:38 p.m. - 2008-05-29
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