abigail414's diaryland diary
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Christmas 2007
Like those inflatable lawn decorations that collapse every morning - Christmas has finally collapsed with a sigh of relief. Christmas Eve and Day were spent with my mother. In some kind of bizarre Freudian slip, I forgot my bipolar meds. Being off them is a little like having a random association slide show play loudly and constantly in my head � hard to focus and easy to feel overwhelmed and then depressed. I tried to trick myself out of the crazy part by taking sleep meds on Christmas day � yep, I was dreaming of a tranquilized Christmas.
At my age, I should be done with my mother affecting me. She is a frail eighty year old woman, tottering, often drunk, lonely, usually spills food on herself, and is easily confused. Both Nelly and I are slightly ill from eating at her house due to her questionable hygiene. Although she still holds judgments about me, still thinks I am an extension of her, and still can suck most of the air out of a room, I now think I hold more judgments about her (for which I feel guilty). We have had a less than stellar mother/daughter relationship, and as her only child I now face the task of possibly putting her in a home, or dealing with her tons of stuff if she dies, or making decisions if she becomes ill. These would be difficult for most functional people, and I feel like I have a fragile handle on my own meager life. Another growth opportunity. Aggh.
Coincidentally, the Christmas Eve message from church was about the messiness of human life that the Christ chose to enter into. I�m not going to get all religious here, except to say that I have never heard a minister point out how Jesus was born amidst the normal pains and cries and excretions of birth, as well as animal feces and some unwashed shepherds. The sermon was the �less than silent night� and the minister had a good sense of humor.
I was at church with my drunken mom, my obese cousin, my sleeping uncle, and my aunt who is in constant pain. It was a lovely Presbyterian service, and made me miss having a church to go to. Unfortunately, the dry communion bread got stuck deep in my esophagus like a kind of Jesus heartburn. The childhood Baptist in me wondered if this was because of my sins, but the realist thought it may just be a wheat reaction. And the final �Silent Night� was sung in a chilly outdoor setting with the candle shaking in my hand so much that I was flinging wax everywhere.
My mother said it was the best Christmas she had in a long time (maybe tranquilizing myself is the way to go). For the woman who raised me, it was the least (and best) I could do. Wishing you peace as the year ends and a new one begins. I know I�m looking forward to 2008.
8:57 p.m. - 2007-12-26
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