abigail414's diaryland diary
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Running Ragged
I returned from the veterinary conference both exhausted and energized. I want to practice good medicine, and on Friday I had a critical case that desperately needed IV fluids. None of the technicians could get a catheter in, and I hadn�t done one since vet school so didn�t feel capable myself. The worst part was that I was the only one who seemed to care. The 16 month old Westie was defecating and vomiting blood, was profoundly dehydrated, and the head tech was casual as if we could try it again after lunch. I got subcutaneous fluids on board and felt abandoned and pissed off, and she then told me it deflates morale if I get upset that people aren�t technically proficient. She actually said �everyone is trained at putting an IV catheter in�. I wish I had said �so, why aren�t fluids running on that little Westie?� Rather than let the pup die, I sent her to a referral center in Orange County where they treated it accordingly, and she is fine. I have made a formal complaint to our medical director about the need for additional training and the unprofessional attitude of the head tech. I also put two catheters in on Saturday so I won�t be in that position again.
Another veterinarian will be joining us next week - she's worked with us before and has the same attitude towards medicine as I do. We can be partners in crime in trying to make the practice more progressive. Plus, I enjoy her company personally so it will be nice to have more camaraderie.
My 1st husband�s 2nd ex-wife is coming to visit next weekend. Yes that is odd, but this is California, home of the odd. We�ve had an e:mail correspondence, and she lives in Oregon and desperately needs to see the sun, which we do have here in Palm Springs even if it is a �cold� 70 degrees. Hopefully it will be more toasty for her visit. She�ll probably be like all the Canadians sunning at the pool while locals are wearing fleece. My house is still uninhabitable, with the ceilings recently repaired and the tile going in next week, so she�s staying at a hotel. I plan to move in next month, even if there is still work going on � paying mortgage and rent is getting old. My pool desperately needs draining and repainting. I'm starting to get the picture that this place may be hemorrhaging money for longer than just three months.
Things are continuing with HB. I�ve visited him regularly since he got home from the hospital for orthopedic surgery (reconstruction of foot & ankle). We hit a bump in the road Saturday night (after watching 'Infamous' - recommended) due to the combination of his drugged state and my insecure neuroses starting to rear their ugly head. I smelled rejection and wanted to run away. Why? I feel more open and comfortable with him than I have in a long time � and, does he feel the same? I think so, but I wasn�t sure and being vulnerable is like a freefall for me � is there a parachute, a net, anything? This feeling is so nerve-wracking that I intentionally have chosen distant or preoccupied partners who usually stay at an arm�s length. Now here�s a guy who can�t get enough of me, wants to make me happy in many ways, and since I�m attracted to him there must be something wrong. And, yes, there is � he�s in a cast, recently divorced, and a fish out of water when not working in Hollywood. But, I�m starting to believe that he is indeed fond of me, prefers my company, and we may be developing some kind of relationship in spite of ourselves.
This dance is making me acutely aware of the damage done when I was a child. At four years old, I had an unhealthy intimate relationship with my grandfather, the Baptist patriarch of the clan. I once read that 75% of women in this country have had some kind of sexual abuse, so this isn�t news. I know about mine through hypnotherapy long ago - I was his special girl, the focus of his affection, and then he was repelled due to his shame. Therefore, closeness means that public rejection and humiliation is following momentarily so I better hit the pavement. Or get distant, which HB noticed and asked about. He insisted that we get together Sunday night to talk about it because he couldn�t let it sit and fester (which is a new approach from my last marriage that included days of silence when there was a dispute). Yet another chance to work through these issues :)
I have a couple days off this week to get things finalized on my house and my life in order. Right now I feel a bit wobbly on my axis and a week at a meditation center would be fabulous. (But, my budget is more like a few hours in the hammock).
10:58 p.m. - 2007-02-25
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