abigail414's diaryland diary
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Smell the Flowers
There is a magical time of day here in Palm Springs, CA � about 2 hours before sunset the leaves of the palm trees shine as if they are wet and the haze/fog along the mountains glows. It surprises me every time I see it, and takes my breath away. I'll try to capture it on film, but it is all about the light and that is hard to get. Lately, it starts getting windy at that time, so trees are swaying and littering the white patio tile with their flowers and pollen.
Other recent scenes.
-Two elderly neighbors arguing, the man trying to leave in his Mercedes and the woman smacking at him and yelling. A few minutes later she is kissing him, and a couple hours later they are walking arm in arm to the pool.
-Bleached blond thin tan woman with unnaturally large round breasts talking to her husband on the phone because their credit card was rejected at the spa.
-Groups of lesbians, here for the party that goes along with the Dinah Shore Tournament, laughing and holding hands on a Saturday night downtown.
-Dirty homeless guy eating out of bags of bulk candy at Ralph�s, and homeless woman wearing a Humane Society T-shirt sitting on the curb with a sign that she needs a job.
-Snow clouds hiding the top of the San Jacinto mountains while it is 70 degrees and sunny down here.
-Delicate waxy red and yellow flowers blooming on prickly pear cactus in my accountant's front yard.
-A crescent moon between swaying palm trees on a clear starry night as I sit in the hot tub.
-Two guys at yoga class doing a partner yoga routine, one with his face almost in the other�s crotch.
-Suzanne Sommers walking along Palm Canyon Drive today smiling and talking animatedly with a friend.
-Earthquake preparedness meeting notice for April 21 (Earth Day) posted along with condo association spaghetti dinner notice for the following Sunday.
Earlier in the week I was functioning pretty well, considering I had been held up at gunpoint on Sunday, but by Friday I wanted to cry in-between each appointment as well as every time I walked into an exam room and saw a pet. I could handle zero stress. I�ve had two days off and feel much better. Yesterday I actually laid around at the pool (with heavy sunscreen and hat) and pretended I was on vacation in this vacation paradise. I need to do that more often. I've been so focused on getting settled here I haven't taken advantage of how lovely it is, mid-80's temperatures, startling blue sky, hummingbirds everywhere.
Today I finally went to yoga class at a local center (http://www.urbanyoga.org). It was wonderful, a very welcoming environment, the teacher was great and I felt totally at home. Huge sigh. I�ve been so lonely for a sense of community here, but have wanted to hibernate. I found this place when I got here 4 months ago, but the holdup really forced me to get myself there. I bought a 10 class pass just to be sure I would go back - maybe belly dancing this Wednesday.
And, I may have made a friend from the class. It sounds pathetic in writing, but I know so few people here and have no one to play with. Yes, I came here to become a competent veterinarian, and be in the healing environment of Palm Springs, but I�ve missed the company of female friends. Plus it is awkward to go it alone in a resort environment where everyone is coupled up or in a group. She and I have a number of things in common, including a sense of adventure (we may be checking out a pole dancing class in the near future, as well as the cowboys at a local stable).
A couple insights I�ve had about my recent �trauma�. One is that I really can take care of myself. I�ve had 4 brushes with death, as well as a couple emergencies involving others, and I�ve made good decisions. In those moments, it feels like things are in slow motion and you have all the time in the world to figure things out. I can trust myself. I'll be sitting with that thought for awhile. It feels pretty good.
The other is that we could die at any time, so better be sure to live while we can. I know this isn�t news, and is a major message of many religions, but in day-to-day life I suspect most of us don't really appreciate how transitory this is. We don�t need to live in fear of death, because we all will die. What we need to fear is not living while we have the chance. When I was held at gunpoint last Sunday, I was thinking I hadn�t yet become the person I wanted to be, I hadn�t learned to be content, to be comfortable in my skin, to really love with my whole heart. I was disappointed that I may die before I got there. I wanted more time to learn to be happy.
So, this past week, when I wasn�t crying or fighting the urge to cry, I was noticing the beauty and the contrasts that all comprise being here. I wouldn�t be feeling this breeze or smelling this air if last Sunday�s gunman had decided to shoot me. I don�t know where we go when we die, but it did renew my intention to be sure to smell the cactus flowers while I�m here.
7:42 p.m. - 2006-04-09
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