abigail414's diaryland diary
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LA Woman Sunday Afternoon
Today I visited my old stomping ground for the first time since I moved from Michigan back to Southern California. I was in Long Beach for a veterinary convention and drove home past my alma mater (above) - which still qualifies as the ugliest school I've ever seen.
Thirty years ago it was 'new' - it still has the same lack of landscaping and 'temporary' buildings. In truth, except for along the coast, the whole area has absolutely no charm at all and is one big mini-mall/office building/high density housing complex. Aggh.
Amazingly, the stable where I had my horse (yes, in LA county) is still there. It is now owned by the city of Lakewood, and this is a photo from their website. The house in the photo is where the owner lived, and was 'grand' with a big lawn that now has a barn on it.
It was getting dark when I got there, and even though it was more cramped and rundown, the sight of it brought me to tears. I stopped in the dirt lot in front of the main riding ring where I had my favorite show win, and watched bunnies munch grass in the dark. To see the remains of a 'natural' place that was so important to me, where I spent almost every afternoon and weekend from about age 11 to 16, was like one of those dreams where you are somewhere familiar but it is all different and you know you're home but you're not. It was profoundly 'out of place' next to a mini-mall and across from a 12-screen multiplex. I could feel the confused and dissapointed teenaged girl in me, still confused and dissapointed after all these years.
I've avoided southern California since 1976 - I sense part of the reason I'm back is to go to these places, face them, grieve the losses, try to get unstuck, and move on. I was a sullen & rebellious teenager, managed to get in trouble with the law at 14, and by the time I left for college at 18 had been with more guys than I would over the next 30 years. Going back to my old haunts reminds me of the long habit of self-loathing I need to break. I remember how much better I felt with my horse - he was one of the really good and healthy and pure things from that time. My heart broke when he was sold (to yet another prepubescent girl - he trained 3 of us). Sonny is long gone, but the stable is still there, and other girls are still losing themselves with 1/2 ton animals. It felt like a little glimmer of hope on the last day of winter in an otherwise hugely impersonal 'hometown'.
9:44 p.m. - 2006-03-19
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