abigail414's diaryland diary
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Piddling in Personals
It is Christmastime, and thoughts go to relationship. Images of families, parties, loved ones snuggled in front of the fire exchanging jewelry and other tokens of affection. I know that isn't how most people experience 'real' life, but it triggers that part of me that says 'hey, you need to get out a little more'. So, I�m piddling around on the internet personals again for someone to 'go out' with. My previous experiences there were less than stellar � one guy sounded fascinating, but then called me over 8 times in a day, another guy was a solid citizen but after a couple dates was boring and too sincere. Now there�s the above guy, a wealthy, animal-loving, polo-playing attorney who wants to meet me. We�ve exchanged flirty messages via the website and he gave me his phone number.
Thursday night I decided to call - but then looked at myself and felt too dumpy/frumpy to be of interest to a guy like him. (This, after a co-worker saw a photo of me 5 years ago and said I was so dumpy/frumpy compared to today). It is at moments like this that my self-absorption comes to a peak. Randy, my former RE agent and now �girlfriend�, called to say hi and gave me the pep talk about being too hard on myself (news flash). He agreed that �he�s cuuute� and suggested I dance to some music, then call the guy � so I did (put on the soundtrack to �Shall We Dance� and moved around the room, then hula-hooped for 10 minutes). With that, I felt sufficiently present to call, got his answering machine, and left a message but no number. Now I have to go through that routine again! So high schoolish, plus he may just be a regular nerdy guy.
Why is this so hard? I've done some pretty brave and outrageous things, but in truth I dread rejection. I had a recent dream that made me realize I'm still not over the 10 years of rejection from my last slow tooth-pull of a marriage. I really have withdrawn from reaching out and look to meet my own needs, period. But the healthier part of me realizes that life is meant to be shared with other people, and that I have something to offer and receive in the sharing. The overwhelmed/depressed part of me says I just took on a home rehab project and can barely keep my bills paid on time and laundry done so why add another complication? The woman in me, who snuggled with Nelly this morning, says I'm lonely. And the practical person says that since I'm committed to staying here for awhile it would be nice to have some company - bonus if horses are involved. So, I'll be donning my hula hoop again soon.
Btw, here�s Randy�s picture. At times he looks like a little femme Val Kilmer - too bad for us girls that he�s gay.
8:46 p.m. - 2006-12-16
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
other diaries: |
