abigail414's diaryland diary
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Serious Stuff
ARIES (March 21-April 19): "Do you know what insomniac dyslexic philosophers do?" asked one of the 20th century's great thinkers, Terence McKenna. "They stay up all night wondering if dog really exists." That just happens to be your assignment, Aries--whether or not you're an insomniac dyslexic philosopher. It's time, in other words, for you to intensify your exploration of life's deepest questions--even as you remember to do so with sparkling good humor and the intention not to take yourself too damn seriously.
What are we here to do? Well, this week it appeared to be to help animals make the transition. Yes there were other appointments this week, like a 4 lb maltese dog with hair loss, a beautiful young himalyan cat from a shelter with an upper respiratory illness, a 7 week old adorable fuzzy rottweiler puppy with fleas and other parasites, a happy spry old lab with a benign fatty tumor, the adolescent german shepherd puppy that had parvo and was now well, the happy Jack Russell who we first saw with a severe case of mange. I probably need to remember these more. However, one day with 4 deaths is what sticks most clearly.
The first was a old Doberman who has been battling liver failure for over a year. Her owner called to say that Marin was losing the battle, and could she be fit in for a euthanasia. It was a peaceful passing, and after she died, I cut out her liver during lunch hour and sent it to a pathologist as per the owners request. (Saturday�s lunch hour included castrating a cat just for fun).
The second was a cat named Clementine who had chronic diarrhea and the owner was having a nervous breakdown with a stalker (and I suspect a drug habit) who needed to flee his trailer suddenly and couldn't take his cat(s). We talked awhile, I checked around the clinic to see if anyone wanted a special-needs kitty, then put her down. As I was injecting the euthanasia fluid, he cried out �I�m murdering her!� He has 2 more at home and I told him if they were healthy it was better to give them to the shelter, because I couldn�t put them down. It would be too hard on both of us.
The third was a disoriented, incontinent, and crusty 18 year old Chihuahua with rotten teeth, owned by a crusty guy with few teeth left. They were both brought in by a client who paid for the euthanasia. You could tell the old guy loved his little dog, and we talked about happy memories and how spunky Spike was before his decline. He took him home for burial wrapped up in a towel like a baby in a swaddling blanket.
The last death was Benny, a cat who came in yellow, meaning jaundiced. He hadn�t eaten in about 4 days, and if cats don�t eat, their liver can go haywire. But why hadn�t he eaten? His asian owner with broken English and a workman�s tan agreed to a complete workup, so we did bloodwork, x-rays, urinalysis, ultrasound, got him on IV fluids � and got a diagnosis - he was dying from advanced multi-centric high grade lymphoma (tumors in liver, spleen, kidneys, intestines, and enlarged internal lymph nodes).
Where do we go when we die? On Wednesday, I woke with the gentle loving touch of someone�s hand alongside my face, like having the hair brushed away from a sleeping child. I rolled over to see what cat was playing with me, and it was no one. That was odd, and with the help of my octogenarian hypnotherapist, found out it was my maternal grandmother. She�s one of the �discarnate entities� that have been hanging out and disturbing my sleep. Mabel was a sweet, artistic, and ladylike person, and I still remember how she smelled, like baby powder with a hint of sweetness � got a whiff Wednesday morning as we exorcised her from my auric field and put her on an old-fashioned train to heaven. It was lovely to have her here, but after people die I think they still have their own issues, they were clouding mine and it was time for her to take a happy train ride with her dead children and go see Jesus.
How can I love more? I grew a little bit into a better person this week when I realized that the insubordinate assistant I've been having trouble with (and who is much better thanks to a meeting with the powers-that-be) reminds me of my former stepdaughter, who was �queen princess baby of the universe�. This knowledge has helped me unload the cannons pointed at her and have more neutral reactions to her overall negative attitude. My issues with Laura and her father�s �Disney dad syndrome� contributed significantly to the demise of my 2nd marriage. Since moving here, I�ve sent Laura gifts twice with no acknowledgement whatsoever, so we�re done and the next growth step is to let those residual emotions go.
Where am I supposed to live? And does it matter? If life is about developing self worth and being a good person, is making a geographic change going to help? I'm thinking not, the desert is as good a place as any to get rid of external and internal baggage, so I bid on a house � 10% less than the asking price. If accepted, I'll tell you all about it. Last year people here would line up and outbid each other, so the change to a buyer's market is a major mindshift for sellers. Paying more than $300K for a house is a major mindshift for me and will be a big fiscal crunch, but I'd rather pay a big mortgage than excessive taxes. (And, this area is one of the two cheapest housing markets in California, so if I'm ever going to be a CA homeowner this is my chance). If my offer is accepted, I have 17 days to change my mind � we have �escrow� and things �fall out� all the time.
Or maybe I'll just fall apart. I had an unsettling day at work on Friday. I was being as nice and patient and enlightened as I possibly could with a very sensitive and young assistant who is allergic to (or terrified of) me, and my hair accidentally touched her and she thought I was trying to make her sick - hmmn. Very high school, especially since her supervisor seemed to take it seriously, so I slept poorly that night, and found myself sobbing before work in the morning - I just couldn't do it. No matter how hard I try there is some emotional drama. But I had a full schedule I didn't want to dump on the other doctors, so forced myself to go in (looking like hell), was was assigned a good assistant, and it was fine. Went home at lunch and jumped in the pool and slowly felt better. I had a talk with the boss on Sunday, and told her I need one of the good assistants 3 out of my 4 workdays at minimum because I'm getting close to burnout.
In truth, I think I'm having a fun (and endorphin) shortage to offset the stress of work, and will try over the next couple days to fix that. Too much damn seriousness for this girl.
7:42 a.m. - 2006-10-22
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