abigail414's diaryland diary
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Memory Monday
Memorial day. Memory day. Sitting at the table on the back patio (above) feeling the gentle breeze on a fantastically beautiful day. It will only get in the 90�s here today, which believe it or not feels just fine. It starts to feel 'hot' over 100 - yes, it is true what they say about low humidity making it more pleasant. If you sweat, it evaporates faster than you can feel it. This is the 'last hurrah' here in paradise - tourist season is over as of tomorrow. Temps are predicted at 109 later this week.
A lot of people were sad in yoga yesterday. Not sure if we�re feeling the collective memory of those who have died �defending� the country, or what. I know I�m feeling the memory of those I have lost - perhaps triggered by finally seeing �Brokeback Mountain�. As for lovers, I wouldn�t want any of them back for the very reasons I lost them, but that doesn�t seem to stop me from missing them. I think I am now 'persona-non-grata' to my second husband Mike, which makes me sad because he is a brilliant and insightful man, but he�s moving on with his life. I miss John O., the hunk of an actor I fell for while he was in a mental hospital, our chemistry and connection so intense that I never felt so alive and yet in so much pain. I miss Michael S., the gorgeous pothead actor/musician who played sweet songs and kissed so beautifully and slept so soundly. I miss �Dr. Jon� the older professor that I moved to Michigan to live with, who was a serious nurturer with the sex drive of an 18 year old. I miss my play buddy of a first husband Phil, who I skated and backpacked and danced and grew up a little with. I even miss my �first true love� Richard who I fell for hard at 16, even though I was a Jesus freak and thought I could convert him away from cocaine dealing. But the person I miss the most today is my dad. He would love being here looking at the trees, mountains, blue sky, saying �wonder what the poor people are doing today� � meaning, he felt so rich to be in such splendor. I loved that he could stop and enjoy simple things, and can almost see him peacefully napping in the hammock as I write.
A recent article in a yoga magazine likened falling in love to becoming like a geode, those nuggets of rock that are rough and drab on the outside but when broken open reveal a jeweled core. When we fall in love, we bloom and sparkle - thinking the one we love has done this when in fact we are the ones who have done the awakening and are having it mirrored by our beloved. That's what I really miss, that sense of awakening to my bejeweled and sparkly true self, what Goethe called �soulful yearning�. My 2nd ex and I were intentionally seeking transformation through relationship, and in the beginning were each other's divine escort. But we needed to incorporate what we found into our everyday selves as well as overcome old habit patterns, fears, stubborn convictions � and just weren�t able to do that together.
A week ago I dreamt that Mike was the head of an IRA resistance group - a group of 'normal' irish people fighting against the 'crazy' rebels. There was an urban war about to happen, we were living in some town near NYC, and I was trying to find a safe place to stash the dogs. It dawned on me that I didn't want to be in the war at all � it wasn�t about me, I wasn't irish, and I just decided to leave. Perhaps moving to Palm Springs, CA was my way of saying I don�t want to be in his war. And perhaps his embracing AA so fully was his resistance to his irish drunken family. Who knows, but sometimes I just love my dreams.
Yes, I�m finally starting to feel how sad I am about the end of my marriage last year. The edge of the anger has worn down and the sadness it was hiding is peeking out from underneath. Plus, I have discovered that some of my anger was at myself. Dr. Phil had an article about lack of respect in marriage due to not demanding it - he said his wife would have him on the curb if he said certain things, which (believe it or not) keeps him in line. In the beginning, when Mike was mean or neglectful, I tried to adapt or appease him, but in so doing set up a pattern that resulted in years of verbal abuse and ended in physical abuse. I remember him telling me that no self-respecting woman would let him treat me the way he did, and he was right. Why did I abandon myself? And would I do it again? I need to know these answers before I trust myself to embark on another relationship.
So, while we�re on Dr. Phil, this month�s Oprah magazine has an article about loneliness as a state of mind, irrespective of whether you�re with people or not. Researchers have found that loneliness is about expectations, about the degree of intimacy you want from people, as well as what you are capable of providing yourself. It also underscored what everyone says, that lonely people are more prone to illness, depression, etc., but also said that statistically, lonely people were no less attractive, intelligent, or desirable than non-lonely people. I took a loneliness quiz and yes, I�m lonely but not �very lonely� or �extremely lonely�, which I consider pretty good since I seem to prefer my own company to others. I think, in truth, I�ve been lonely most of my life, and may have just been born that way.
It is the kind of day to lounge around the pool, which I plan to do inbetween piles of laundry. I have a new pool toy that keeps me floating while also partially submerged so I stay cool. I was invited to a BBQ as well as to a movie, but I'm just feeling too introspective and sad to interact. I also didn't go to yoga this morning - I�ve hurt myself in poses a couple times this past week, so am less zealous and trying an at-home practice where I don�t push myself so hard. I still love it, though, and especially want that sinewy yoga body. At this rate, it may take years, but then it took me years to get out of shape so I�ll be patient. And as always, my Sunday morning yoga/church was yummy. Savasana, which is the lying down meditation that occurs as the end of the session, is still my favorite pose � yesterday I snored (they tactfully call it purring). Yep, I was relaxed.
The pool beckons.
12:47 p.m. - 2006-05-29
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